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 YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......

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mattcoq
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Join date : 2010-06-28
Age : 43
Location : Changshu - 31°38' N 120°44' E

PostSubject: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:42 pm

YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......


- You eat every kind of meat off the bone, and then spit those bones on the table
- Squatters make you dizzy, but you now believe, despite the smell, they are cleaner than western toilets
-You are tired of explaining that Africa is a Continent, not a country.
- You see nothing wrong with standing on a white stripe in the middle of a
highway while cars whiz past you at 90kph
- You don't blink an eye when a complete stranger wants to take a photo of
you with his family
- You actually put some thought into which live snake you want cooked for
your meal
- You eat soup with chopsticks
- you use Kleenex for table napkins
- You drink warm sodas and find them refreshing
- You are accustomed to seeing people's heads popping up and down in the VCD
you are watching
- You no longer use articles when you speak
- you bargain with the grocer over the cost of a head of lettuce
- You no longer check the expiration date on the milk you just bought.
- You buy a movie that hasn't been released theatrically yet at home.
- You comment that the pollution "isn't really that bad..."
- You start wearing a face mask on windy days and wonder at the "silly
foreigners" who don't do the same
- You complain about that price difference of DVDs/VCDs/CDs bought in the
stores and on the streets
- You start to wonder if the chocolate ice cream you find in the store is
even chocolate... sure it is brown, but...
- You can't find face lotion or cleanser that does not bleach your skin
whiter....
You have a collection of Umbrellas
-You have actually gone shopping in your pajamas
-You give a beggar a handful of fen and he gives them back
- You have trouble sleeping when you go home for a visit because it's just
too darn quiet
- You point out foreigners to your Chinese friends even though you're
foreign yourself.
- You know words in Chinese for which you don't know the translation in
English
- You answer 'China' when people ask where you're from
- You pick your nose, burp, fart, and scratch so much even your Chinese
friends get embarrassed
- You get a discount if you speak English, but you pay more for Putonghua (Mandarin)
- You call home and your family tell you to speak faster and stop correcting
their grammar
- You eat cake with chopsticks
- You constantly wonder if everything has been boiled long enough.
- You answer 'So is mine.' when people say their English is so poor
- You answer 'Into what?' when people say China is developing
- You convince yourself that it doesn't matter how dirty the cooks' hands
are, cooking will fix it
- If there are only 4 screaming children running around the classroom, you
consider it a good primary class.
- If there are only 4 students sleeping, you consider it a good middle
school class.
- If there are only 4 cell phone addicted college students messaging its a good class.
- You love tofu because there's nothing to spit out and it doesn't have any
taste
- You start saying things like:' 'I very like'
- You hold hands with others of the same sex and think nothing of it
- You avoid touching those of opposite sex like they have bird flu
- You've got a pre-paid ticket with a reserved seat on a train or
plane, but you still run like mad to to the get there first
- You forget that vegetable soup is actually pesticide broth
- Smoking is doing less harm to your lungs than breathing
- You're beginning to like fruit salad and mayonnaise
-- Everyone wants to be your friend - all you have to do is teach them
English for free
- Everyone wants to teach you Chinese by speaking to you in English
- Your Chinese lessons consist of 50 words your teacher wants to know in
English
- You tell people you don't understand, so they write it for you - in
Chinese.
- Your boss thinks you're a stupid foreigner if you let him cheat you, but
thinks you're a bad foreigner if you don't
- Your boss speaks really good English until you ask for more money
- You have no qualms that someone who thinks you're stupid and gullible has
total control over your life.
- You too think that the ugliest western man always has a beautiful Chinese girlfriend.
- A hike up a mountain calls for a plastic grocery bag full of junk food.
-- The more you listen to the news, the more uninformed you are
- It fascinates you that when the national news is on, your forty TV channels magically become the
same channel.
- Absolutely everything that can possibly be eaten is in some way good for
your health.
- Only five minutes of prep time for a unannounced class no longer fazes you
-- Your housekeeper throws out the chicken breast you have marinating in
garlic and olive oil but organizes your empty beer bottles and cans and you understand
- You leave your laundry hanging up for more than a day its dirtier than it
was before you washed it
And my favorite:
- You actually believe you're here to teach English
1. You smoke in crowded elevators.
2. All white people look the same to you.
3. You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly.
4. You no longer need tissues to blow your nose.
5. You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy.
6. It’s OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window.
7. You believe that pressing the lift button 63 times will make it move faster.
8. You aren’t aware that one is supposed to pay for software.
9. You tell friends their house back in your home country has bad feng shui.
10. You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off.
11. You buy an XXXL T-shirt in store when you returned home.
12. You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor.
13. You think it’s silly to buy a new bike when it’ll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price.
14. You feel cheated if you don’t receive a full head and shoulder massage when getting a haircut.
15. You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
16. It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
17. You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes.
18. You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.
19. You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
20. You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
21. You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
22. You look over people’s shoulder to see what they are reading.
23. You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk.
24. When shopping at Carrefour some laowai-(foreigner) stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what laowai’s eat.
25. You have a pinky fingernail an inch long.
26. You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work.
27. When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot laowai left 2 centimeters between themselves and the person in front of them.
28. You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules.
29. You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai.
30. You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle.
31. You think no car is complete without a tissue box on the rear shelf and a feather duster in the trunk.
32. When looking out the window, you think “Wow, so many trees!” instead of “Wow, so much concrete!”
33. You think “white pills, blue pills, and pink powder” is an adequate answer to the question “What are you giving me, doctor?”
34. Someone doesn’t stare at you and you wonder why.
35. Firecrackers don’t wake you up.
36. You wear out your vehicle’s horn before its brakes.
37. Forks feel funny.
38. Chinese remakes of Western songs sound better than the originals.
39. You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, “Go away; leave me alone.”
40. You think of “salad” as diced apples in mayonnaise
41. Your handshake is weakening by the day.
42. You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.
43. You and a friend get on a bus, sit at opposite ends of the bus, and continue your conversation by yelling from one end to the other.
44. You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign.
45. You like the taste of Green Tea and Chivas.
46. You start recognizing the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver.
47. You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you.
48. Your friends can’t understand why you haven’t memorized your QQ
(chinese version of skype)
49. Even you start messing up “he” and “she” in English and also don’t get what the big deal is when you do
50. You go to a nightclub and jump on stage, go crazy dancing cos the locals think you are a movie star… and so do you!
51. You eat soup with chopsticks
52. You get on the bus and sleep right away.
53. You can’t decide if you love or hate the country you living in
54. A few shots of Bai jiu don’t even give you a buzz.
55. When someone says ’snack’, you think: salted cuttlefish.
56. You enjoy wearing flip flops and pyjamas on all occasions.
57. You get your haircut on the sidewalk.
58. You have grown used to the picture quality of pirated VCDs.
59. Badminton and ping pong are your main forms of exercise.
60. People with bright white teeth look frightening to you.
61. You find yourself exciting on a major highway…on your bike.
62. You draw characters on your hand to make yourself understood.
63. You ask people in what animal year they were born.
64. You can’t put a proper sentence together in your native language.
65. You developed an acquired taste for mooncakes.
66. Your building’s security guard is 4 times older than the building itself.
67. Thanks to karaoke, you know who has the most singing talent in your building.
68. You know it is useless to protest when the lady at the supermarket check-out wraps one toothbrush in 6 plastic bags.
69. You learnt to recognise Andy Lau, Leon Lai, Aaron Kwok and Jacky Cheung. AND JACKY CHAN.
You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue.
You stop at the top or bottom of an escalator to plan your day.
It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the lift before anyone can get off.
It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.
You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long it takes them to reply "Up To You".
You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$ 400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes.
You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue.
You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is "Broken" and that it will cost you a lot of money to get it "Fixed".
You find that it saves time to stand and retrieve your hand luggage while the plane is on final approach.
You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your trousers, or you have your suits made with terrycloth pockets.
A T-Bone steak with rice sounds just fine.
You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.
You regard traffic signals, stop signs, and copy watch peddlers with equal disdain.
You have developed an uncontrollable urge to follow people carrying small flags.
When listening to the pilot prove he cannot speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the air traffic controller.
You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
You blow your nose or spit on the restaurant floor (of course after making a loud hocking noise)
You look over people's shoulder to see what they are reading
You throw your trash out the window of your house, your car or bus you are on
You would rather SMS someone than actually meet to talk ‘face to face'
You wear nylons when it is 30 degrees outside
You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk
You regularly fumble for five minutes to find 10 jiao despite 10 people waiting in line behind you
One of your fingernails is an inch long
You ride around on your bicycle ringing a bell for some unknown reason
In a meeting you say everything will be 'wonderful' and give no details.
You forget that the other person needs to finish speaking before you can start
You burp in any situation and don't care.
You see one foreign person eating Pineapple (or whatever) and say "Yes, all foreign people like Pineapple"
You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the ream
You take a nap while you are dining in a restaurant with your girlfriend/boyfriend
Just everything produced in your home town is "very famous in China"
You don't do any favors without wondering what your personal benefit could be
You never ask "Why?" anymore.
You understand all the above listed references.
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vaish
Little Changshunese


Posts : 34
Join date : 2010-09-06
Age : 35

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Fri Jan 14, 2011 5:46 pm

Hey..

very well articulated... the best observation ever..

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ray
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PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Sat Jan 15, 2011 1:08 am

matth we have been in china long enough lets find another country now where we can teach what we learnt in china Smile so they can "DEVELOP" like china faster ......
By the way very well observed ......
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linnzj
Little Changshunese


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Age : 30

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Wed May 11, 2011 11:29 am

last time
i saw 2 guys around angli foreigner language school~~ one of them looks like u,mattcop~~~is that u?
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mattcoq
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Location : Changshu - 31°38' N 120°44' E

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Wed May 11, 2011 4:47 pm

Nope, wasn't me ....

Anyway, I don't hang around schools ... That's how you get in trouble with the police lol!
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linnzj
Little Changshunese


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Age : 30

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Wed May 11, 2011 4:51 pm

well forget it lol~~~~
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pirx
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Join date : 2011-09-20
Location : Guomao Apartments West Tower, 176 Zhujiang Road, Changshu

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Tue Sep 20, 2011 2:25 pm

hmmm....pretty cynical... some points offensive, not sure if I could live here if I was thinking like this. Considering the Muppet-Show-like experiences I have had in a number of other countries, East China is not bad at all.

One thing for certain, though, China indeed is a place where the full extent of Murphy's Law applies. If someone in China tells me 'don't worry', that's when I start worrying a lot, rightfully so.

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mattcoq
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PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Wed Sep 21, 2011 12:23 am

Difficult to live in China without any sense of humour ...

Surely true then why many come here to learn, but not many understand much ...
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pirx
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Join date : 2011-09-20
Location : Guomao Apartments West Tower, 176 Zhujiang Road, Changshu

PostSubject: Re: YOU HAVE BEEN TOO LONG IN CHINA WHEN ......   Wed Sep 21, 2011 8:08 am

Thanks for your China survival advice. No offense,I do not think these 'jokes' are funny in any way.
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